Roy Delaney knows a musical apocalypse when he hears it. While the 19th place for Bonnie Tyler is an improvement over Englebert Humperdinck, it’s not enough for the Hacksaw. We gave him a blank sheet of paper and asked him who we should send next year…
The unspectacular result for Bonnie Tyler at last week’s Eurovision underlined a long-standing problem with the UK’s participation in the show. We aren’t in the middle of an increasingly poor run of results because of any quasi political claptrap – it’s because we’ve forgotten how to compete.
The BBC still views the show as a Saturday night light entertainment variety production, where most of the rest of Europe considers it to be prime time music programming and are sending their biggest and most contemporary acts. For many countries it’s like a turbocharged Top Of The Pops, where their biggest pop and rocks stars battle it out in their national finals for the honour to represent their country.
Sadly, we haven’t quite got out of that Seaside Special frame of mind, and send mum-friendly fodder that rarely ever sets the continent alight. And this is a darned shame, because with guaranteed qualification to the final every year, we could easily send songs that would make viewers from Reykjavik to Baku sit back and go Wow!
So with this in mind, here’s ten acts who, win or lose, would help inject some of the musical pride back into our nation. We’re still the emperor’s of world pop, so we really ought to prove it. And we’re quite sure that any one of us could put us back near the top of the scoreboard where we rightly belong…
Muse
Is there a more perfect act to represent all that is most ludicrous, excessive and gloriously, entertainingly pompous about our island breed? Get them to condense a baroque space opera down into three high-stepping minutes and the whole of Europe would fall at our feet.
Dizzee Rascal
If Bonkers has been our Eurovision entry back in 2009, we’d have won by a street. Hip hop and black competitors (sadly) both have terrible records in this competition, but that really wouldn’t matter, as the second his cheeky grin and council flat patter came bursting out of your screens amid a sea of mawkish Eastern-European ballads, you’d be so happy he was there that it really wouldn’t matter where he finished. Like Muse, if he’s good enough for the Olympics, he’s certainly good enough for this.
Calvin Harris
This boy’s been practically shitting hits over the last couple of years, and if he got one of his big name pals in to do the singing for him we could speculatively start booking the Millennium Dome for the following Spring.
Hurts
This northern electropop twosome may only be underground hip at home, but they’re massive news right across Europe, and would offer up a cool edge never yet seen representing the Union Flag at this contest. Rumours from their camp suggest that they’d love to do it, too, but the BBC doesn’t think that they’re big enough. Two words. Josh Dubovie.
Neck
The success of this year’s Greek entry, a breakneck party ska stomp called Alcohol Is Free, proved that there’s room for some riotous high speed rock’n’roll on this show. So who better to represent the broader horizons of the United Kingdom than these North London paddy punks. Apparently they’ve been trying to represent Ireland in the contest for years, but are considered just a tad too raucous for those delicate Celtic types. Their loss should be our gain.
Madness
If, as some people think, the contest is going to be held in the Danish city of Aarhus next year, there is clearly only one band who could possibly represent us there…
One Direction
This suggestion is so obvious that it’s almost dumb to say it out loud. The biggest pop group in the world right now, their involvement would be no risk to their impossibly massive career, and they could easily glue a lucrative European tour around their appearance while they were at it. If they’ll do Comic Relief for the BBC, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t do Eurovision.
Jools Holland
Everyone, it seems, loves a fun time boogie-woogie piano singalong, but surprisingly it’s never been attempted at the contest before. And who better on the planet to give it a stab than Jools? His easy, nasal, fast-fingered charm would have them dancing in the aisles and voting in their droves.
Motörhead
Forget trying to win the thing – just give Europe some good, honest, noisy British metal filth to knock the cobwebs off. Just imagine how perfect this would be.
The Mercury Winner
Here’s an idea. When the labels enter their acts into the Mercury Music Prize, make it a condition that the winner does Eurovision. Turn the whole awards ceremony into a massive Song For Europe style event so we can show off the very best of our musical goodness to the watching continent.
The last few years would have seen us send acts like PJ Harvey, The Arctic Monkeys, Elbow and Alt-J, so what better way to thumb our noses at Europe than to show them that we don’t actually care where we finish in the show – we’re just inextricably better at making interesting pop than any of them. And yes, while you might shudder a little at the thought of Alt-J doing the contest, if it was a straight choice between them and Bonnie Tyler…
Don’t forget we’ve got a YouTube playlist of all ten songs so you can have a mock National Final in your office if you want! As for the wildcards, start pitching names and YouTube links in the comments!
Interesting list. Not sure I agree with all the entries (Dizzee Rascal??), but there are some great suggestions in there.
Although I do have to wonder if Muse even know how to write 3 minute songs any more?
I know this harks a little bit back towards “reformed has-beens”, but I think Garbage could be interesting as long as Shirley can stay sober long enough not to tell Europe to f— themselves again! And they have a new album due out in 2014 according to rumours.
Or if we want something a bit more fresh and sultry, what about Ren Harvieu?
https://www.bbc.co.uk/music/soundof/2012/artists/renharvieu/#p00m9npy
The Beeb has previously gone down the road of offering it to those looking for a return to the limelight. If they are going to persist with this sort of stance, I’d give it to Babybird – a criminally under-rated band from the 90s who are still on the circuit. Stephen Jones is a fantastic song writer:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qopbyEjWIAM
I would add Paloma Faith to that list. She would stand out in a very good way.
Genius.
We should get Goldblade- big in East Europe and will make an impact with their performance.
I still think we could have a shot with a Lloyd-Webber number. I know Javine (or was it Jamelia?) didn’t do all that well but with a decent singer and a big show I reckon we could bring it home.
Could we have a song written by Lloyd-Webber, produced by David Arnold and sung by Paloma Faith in a hat made of EU stars, lying on a piano played by Chris Martin, with Anton and Erin from Strictly Come Dancing doing a waltz around them and Dizzee Rascal flying in on a wire to do some chat in the middle eight?
And a string section from the London Phil. Because if Arnold’s involved there will need to be a string section.
Sophie, I’d agree with everything apart from the “written by Lloyd Webber” part because he hasn’t written anything good since the 80s. Although he did prove with Jade that Europe seems to love him regardless, so you may be right after all 😀
Two words: Iron Maiden.
Oh where to begin?
Well since the BBC seem to love the 20th century so much, why not send a modern revival of 90’s Eurodance? Ok so Tensnake is German but Syron is a London girl!
Clare Maguire has a brilliant voice and can deliver live.
Embrace make some really stirring anthemic music and have a new album on the way.
Will Young’s career has pretty much peaked already but he still seems to be very much in the public conscious and had a top 20 hit recently with this song.
and if all else fails, him off Big Brother:
I still think Leona Lewis would do a good job. Anyone connected with Simon Cowell would have a fight on their hands getting to participate though. We all know how vitriolic he is about the contest.
HURTS would be amazing but they have already been turned down . 1 direction would never do it , but they could easily win as could take that. dido has made a comeback , she would be good . i also like alesha dixon , the saturdays , leona lewis, olly murs, robbie williams. any of these would be credible
Who See suggested Dizzee Rascal in one of their interviews, so it must be right.
Just having Jools Holland choose the artist would already be awesome.
Madness would be about the right vintage for the BBC next year, wouldn’t they?
I reckon Marillion could bring an amazing three minutes if they were so inclined.
I’d love to see Charli XCX
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_5b5BLT1CM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtrHH1BDlzk
I love her stuff, and she’d be perfect.
Marillion? Three minutes? What are the chances of that ever happening?!
@Roy. I know, right? 😀
Via Albania, perhaps … one can dream.
@roy: over my dead body should bbc send one direction.
………. But send Motörhead for sheer and blanten argoness.
Marina and the Diamonds or HURTS please!!! their music is genius. Also, Katie Melua wanted to take part in 2010 but UK asked a dated 80s songwriter to write the song (yuck).
Leona Lewis would be amazing, especially now that her career is getting lower. But Simon Cowell wouldn’t let her do it i guess. If only Eurovision was under ITV….
Bear in mind that Europe expects great music and acts from the UK and everyone was disappointed to see that BBC picks has-been grandmothers and grandpas and boybands from 2001… wake up BBC!!! Eurovision is getting high ratings, higher than The Voice yet they treat it like it is the least favorite programme. take it seriously like Germany and Sweden.
I would love to see someone like HURTS or Marina and the Diamonds represent the UK.
I’m sure there are a lot of credible/successful acts out there who do want to take part in Eurovision, so it does confuse me a little as to why the BBC seemingly ignore their interest.
There are so many talented acts in the UK who don’t have superstar status, but have plenty of live experience and would do the UK proud, given the right song. I just wish the BBC would take these sorts of comments on board and widen the search a little bit. We don’t need a BIG name, we just need someone who can perform a great song well, and show the BBC, the general public and the rest of Europe that we do care and that we’re capable of pulling out all the stops, year after year.
I don’t know what sheer and blanten argoness is Matt, but I do rather like the sound of it!
I would go for something like this.After all it was composed by one of Britains judges-the legendary Tony Hatch-someone with his finger on the pulse of music in 2013.What does everyone else think.I think something like this would win hands down….
Moterhead, Maiden, very good. I personally would do a happy metal dance if Electric Wizard was sent (but getting them to do a song under three minutes would be a trick). Venom is a classic and of course Cradle of Filth. Then again, my metal dreams of awesome at Eurovision constantly are thwarted.
Rubbish!
As I see it there are only 4 credible acts that could represent the UK & make an impression.
1. The only one i agree with out of your choice is Calvin Harris, as long as Florence is involved.
2. I would love to see Blue back!!!
3. (depending on line-up, must include Jade as the Eurovision public know her) Sugababes.
and finally….
4. Susan Boyle. is she not the obvious choice! millions of worldwide youtube hits (completely depending on the song)! bring back Sir AL-W for that.
however the choice of artists doesnt make the slightest of difference if you’re gonna hide your song away till the week of the contest & then expect people to buy it after it loses!
Shy of Calvin, I think you’re mistaking ‘credible’ with ‘acts I like/have heard of’, David.
Otherwise, an interesting selection, sir.
Here’s two catchy pop/rock songs for Euro 2014, Cloud 9 & Dumbstruck. Just need a band to perform them!! Nothing like a bit of “self promotion”.
https://www.reverbnation.com/barbwiretourniquet